The Year So Far and More on Me

So, I never really got my mojo back, I still don’t, I still find this whole writing activity more of a chore than fun. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today, you’ve heard this story before time and time again.

A lot has gone on I think, between then, the start of the year where I was unemployed and miserable to now. Not that I’m not still a bit miserable, but that’s mental health baby, I’ll get into that in a bit too.

Let’s jump back to January, shall we? It seems like forever ago now, but at the time I was frantically searching for something to give my life purpose. I’d not long dropped out of my university course; I had returned home, back to living on my parents’ schedule with all of my friends dotted around the country now or too busy with their own lives to drop everything to keep me company as I go through the most aggressive feeling of uselessness I have ever felt in my life. All the while I was jumping in and out of fuelling my body with hormones as I played trial and error with contraception.

It wasn’t all bad though! Jack and I had each other and it wasn’t too long until I was in the my first ever full time office job. I got lucky with Complesso, even now I refer to it as a ‘unicorn job’. I entered the corporate world into a job I was actually good at, surrounded by people who made me feel like I had been there forever and didn’t make me feel so much like the inexperienced kid I was when I started. I do find it odd I suppose that I would consider a lot of these people I work with better friends than many of my peers I have come across through education. Complesso has done a lot for me, of course the income side of things, having money to spend definitely helps, but my confidence has sky rocketed since the blow of university and it provided a very good distraction from the feeling of uselessness and the rising anxiety I developed while living away from home.

It’s all still there, the mental health issues I’ve been trying to and will probably continue to ignore. That’s been another very prevalent lesson over the last year or so while trying to juggle adult life and an adult relationship, that maybe I’m not as okay as I was sure I was at school. Of course, the awareness of ADHD and Autism has become a big thing online recently it’s hard not to start relating that to yourself. But the more of life I experience and the more I analyse how I react to things, complicated emotions to very simple situations, I do start to wonder if I’m on the spectrum in some respect and have some form of anxiety, and the more I research the more I do relate. It’s not something I talk about with people at all, which is strange for me as I have never been able to keep my emotions to myself, but that’s another thing that makes me think I could be. But it’s hard to turn around to your parents and off the bat spurt out ‘I think I might be autistic.’

It's been the last couple of weeks in particular that have been really hard. Jack and I are both attempting university again at the same time this year. And I have found it beyond hard to come to terms with the fact that plans change and people cancel and just because they have said something, it doesn’t mean they will do that exactly if at all. I have always struggled around people, yes, my confidence is much better than it was. I can get on a bus alone, I can leave the house without supervision, I can order coffee in a coffee shop without breaking down in tears in the queue. I can even initiate conversation a lot better than I used to, however I still struggle to maintain that and if I don’t instantly feel like the other person likes me as much as I like them, I take that to heart. Because of this, me making friends never really feels like making friends more so acquaintances that are there when they need me but aren’t much more beyond that. It’s a very pessimistic approach to people and life, but I cannot seem to tell my brain that those thoughts are wrong even though my rationality knows this. Have I convinced you I’m autistic yet?

Enough on me and my inner workings for a second, I’m beyond excited to be back into education. Learning, researching, and writing has always been the only think I find continuously enjoyable in life, but I never seem to have the motivation to do this off my own back. I’m excited to challenge myself again, as much as I enjoy my job, excel spreadsheets are horribly mind-numbing. I’m hoping university will stick much better than it did last year, my approach is different this year. I am at home instead of in Halls, and I’m going to focus solely on academics rather than getting too caught up on the social side of things that left me so depressed and isolated last year.

On the surface of things, this year has been incredible. I went abroad for the first time without my parents, I have seen almost every single one of my favourite bands in concert now, and even more to come in the next 12 months. While I admit a lot of the friends I had last year I have lost contact with, I still have a good portion of people around me that I adore, a couple very new and equally important to me than the ones that have been around forever. It’s my mission to make the most of the people still around me and maybe as I go through university this group will expand, but I’ve learnt now that I cannot force friends and if I try I leave myself more upset than I was before.

I achieved one of my biggest goals this year too, I finally passed my driving test. Something that was a very long time coming and I admit I still hate it as much as I did when I first started. But I have that certificate now, I don’t have the stress of trying to pass and hate it, I can just hate it and not do it. I also got my first tattoo. A little line-art book on my wrist. Reading and writing has always been something that’s been near and dear to my heart regardless of how often I actually do it. I want more, things that nod to the franchises that have shaped my personality. I have an idea for the next one but I worry I only like it because it reminds me of Jack and I’ve never been a fan of getting permanent reminders of people in my life. My cynical side worries too much of the memories it would bring if the person left one day.

Jack and I are doing well though. As I write this it’s just under two weeks until our one year anniversary and we are talking seriously about ways we could move in together. It’s hard with us to actually pinpoint the start of our relationship because we were more than friends for a good while before we made it official. Do you guys remember the ‘it’s messy but we’re happy’? I’m way happier now it’s not messy I’ll be perfectly honest. But no, I still very much value his position in my life and I still adore everything about him. I never realised how nice it would be to have a second support system outside of my own family, but the longer Jack and I have been together the more I value his parents as vital figures in my life along with my own. I’m not replacing my parents by any means; they are still my all-time best friends but it’s so lovely being considered family to them though Jack and I haven’t been together all that long.

I’m not really sure what this post was. A way to rant after an incredibly emotionally hard week? A reminder to myself to value myself and the people I already have in my life rather than searching for more and leaving myself heartbroken? An excuse to give my parents an insight into my brain when I find talking about it out loud so hard? I’m not really sure, however it was nice to sit and write again and chat about how I’m doing. I’m going to join my University newspaper this year I think, give myself an excuse to write actual articles and form a portfolio instead of handing a future employer an archive of emotional rants about my mental state. I’m sure they’d love it but it’s probably not the conversation topic and writing style professionals are searching for. Things are hard right now, and I really struggle which change and adapting, but I’ll get there. For now I will continue to overcompensate by spending an awful amount of money on things I don’t need and attempting to drown my sorrows in coffee. Until next time…