The School Saga Sequel: Degree Results

Almost 20 years in the education system has come to an end and I just feel kind of… numb. I got my results yesterday for my final year assignments, my dissertation and the classification I will be graduating with in just a few weeks. I’d been dreading it for ages; I always get this way with school results where I make myself sick with worry that I am going to fail. I have never failed anything before so I don’t know why I always think I will.

I didn’t fail this time either. I will be graduating with a 2:1! Which is good, like really good considering I was a guinea pig for the course and Birmingham is a Russell Group university (if that even means anything anymore), but I still feel a little bit deflated.

It’s not that I’m not proud of myself, getting to the end at all is an achievement considering how my first attempt went. I think maybe it’s that this is it now. My grades don’t really mean anything this time, I’m not waiting on offers or entrance acceptances. I just kind of take my 2:1, put it on my CV and call it a day.

I’ve always been hard on myself when it comes to academics, a lot of the time I feel like it’s all I’m good for. A lot of the people I have known have used me for my intelligence, a resource to get them through school themselves because I’m kind and I’m helpful and I won’t tell them to fuck off and figure it out for themselves. That could be part of why I feel so nothing-y, I’m done with the one thing I’m actually good at and I’m not going to need that skillset again. I mean my memory and ability to learn pretty quickly is obviously going to come in handy with training and starting a new job. But it’s weird that that’s it…

I’d stay in education forever if I could. I had originally planned to do my MA but when I dropped out and deferred a year, I realised I couldn’t put life off for that long. I’d have gone to Oxford Brookes, done Journalism and gotten my NCTJ which every job I want to apply for seems to require and I don’t have. It’s not financially viable though, not when I am now £47,000 in debt and my savings have to cover rent and car insurance. In another life I suppose.

I don’t think I’d really enjoy staying in education forever though, I’d like the structure of it but I’ve never been the smartest person in the room. I’d always gotten Bs when my friends were getting As, I was always in the running for Head Girl but always just lost out. I don’t quite have a grasp on academic writing in a way that would get me through the rest of further education. It does get to a point where you realise you are just doing all you can to put off the real world because its big and scary and unpredictable.

Usually, these posts are much longer. I think I wrote nearly 3000 words about my A-Levels but with this there isn’t much to say. I will be proud of myself properly when I am in a job I think, when I’m not stuck in a period of transition and a little bit frightened of it all. Maybe the numbness is partly because there wasn’t a big deal made. I woke up at 10:30, I checked my phone and then I just went about my day. There were no plans, there was no family dinner. Just “Ah, 2:1, my fuck it is hot today”.

I’ll report back after graduation for the finale of The School Sagas, maybe now this huge part of my life is done, I can turn my blog into something more opinion-heavy and less all-about-me. I’ll still write about me; it’s the thing I know best. Anyway, pray for me as I tackle university stairs in heels and a dress (I am not that kind of girl), I’ll be in touch soon.